Ok so Nicola has sent the first half of the script to us all. She has asked us to have a read and write any comments, good or bad, which we have on the script. It’s great that Nicola is giving us all the chance to have an input in to and give our views on the script. Mine is as follows:
Making an Entrance
Scene 1
It’s really early in the morning, Jack aged 29 is fast asleep in bed, he has missed his alarm twice already... he is now 45 minutes late, the alarm goes off once more, he rolls over fumbles toward the alarm before finally checking the time.
JACK
Oh shit!
He jumps out of bed, throws his clothes on and runs out of his room.
Scene 2
He is running down the school corridor, he’s badly dressed, he pauses before he gets to his classroom door, straightens his tie and walks in.
STUDNET 1
Sir, you’re...
JACK
Fuck off Simon... Right quieten down, (pause)
(He sits at his desk n rummages through his class notes)
JACK
Oi! I said quieten down! (Pause, he goes to stand up) SHUT-UP!!
(The class settles down) Right now... where are we? He says this while looking through a textbook)
SEAN ROBINSON
In a classroom Sir!
I think that Sean should be more innocent than cheeky – if he’s naughty anyway Jack won’t have to do much to get his mum in to school, and therefore the middle act won’t be as effective.
(The class begin to laugh)
JACK
(Looks up from the textbook)
Right do you think I’m in the mood for this? One more crack out of you and your out of here, you got that?
I don’t think Jack should be portrayed to be angry – just clueless and a bit stupid
(The class fall silent again).
I thought so ... (he whispers) dickhead.
Right, what’s the plan for today then (he checks his schedule) right so we have P.E, Sex Ed, Maths ...and English, wow how much do I hate Mondays! (He mutters under his breath).
(The bell rings.)
Right you all have P.E so go get into your kits and I’ll see you in 10mins.
BEGIN MONATGE
Jack emerges from the male changing rooms sporting a tight white T-shirt, tight navy shorts, sweat bands and whistle, we don’t get to see much of the class but we hear the whistle blow, students emerge from the sports hall looking energetic. We then catch sight of Jack, panting heavily, sweating profusely and having difficulty breathing. The corridor is empty now so he appears to be talking to himself.
I think there should be a bit of dialogue in this scene…at the moment I don’t really ‘get it’. Maybe him shouting at the kids to keep going whilst he sits on a bench reading a magazine? Or perhaps him taking the mick out of them being unfit and brags about how much of a sportsman he is, then a flashback to him on a very slow moving treadmill gasping for breath?
JACK
Right well, I’ll see you in (pause to catch breathe) Sex Ed then...ah Christ!!
Jack walks into a full classroom of students, the girls are giggling and the boys are being rowdy. Someone has written “SEX” on the board with an illustration of a large Penis next to it. He walks round the classroom handing out condoms to the pupils, before putting one discreetly into his pocket. He notices the illustrations on the board and lazily rubs the penis off.
Love this ^^
JACK
Sex, right so someone fill me in on what we know about sex,
(The classroom falls silent all apart from a few giggling girls)
Someone must know something... who draw that cock on the board? Perhaps they could tell us?
No? (Pause) right who can tell me what it was that I just gave you?
SEAN ROBINSON
A jonny Sir
JACK
And what do we use them for?
SEAN ROBINSON
To stop girls getting knocked up
JACK
Yes, well that’s on way to put it.
Right open them up... don’t be shy, Simon take it out of your mouth!!
LOVE that bit ‘Simon take it…mouth!’
STUDENT 1
But it’s a strawberry one
And that bit ^^
JACK
Did you hear me? ... Right now
If I’m picky maybe get rid of the ‘Did you hear me?’ Again I think it makes him seem aggressive
The scene ends with him holding a banana. (FADE OUT)
I think that this is a good way to end the scene before the flashback, but he should say something about them ‘always needing to use protection’. Emphasis should be put on this so that the flashback contradicts what he has just said, creating humour.
We now see a drunken Jack holding a Kebab in one hand, and leading a drunken woman with the other, they are both laughing. He chucks his kebab on the ground and starts passionately kissing the young woman’s neck; she pushes him away for a brief moment.
WOMAN 1
Do you have one?
Jack carries on having not heard her.
Do you have one... a condom?
JACK
We don’t need one, its better without one, come on Sarah.
WOMAN 1
It’s Stephanie?
JACK
Ah yes Stephanie... sorry.
Love that he gets her name wrong, think it sums up that he doesn’t even care who he’s sleeping with – making it more dramatic when he actually falls for Nicole Robinson. However, I would prefer to see them in the back of a car and cut the bit of him eating the kebab etc.
We next see Jack in a Maths class, he’s teaching the pupils timetables.
JACK
Right so 7 times 7 would be... Jenny?
STUDENT 2
Err... 48. No 49
JACK
Ah... (He pauses turns around and taps about on his calculator) yes correct!
Think this bit is great! ^^
SEAN ROBINSON
Sir can we do area and perimeters, you know of shapes?
JACK
He looks nervously through a textbook
I won’t be teaching you area or perimeters today but I can talk to you about shapes, how about the shapes I was throwing out on the dance floor this weekend?
SEAN ROBINSON
What?
JACK
Nothing, were doing timetables today, right next question to you then err...
Don’t think this bit is needed, from ‘Can we do perimeters…’
(Once again he looks through his class notes) FADE OUT
Its fourth period English, Jack comes into the class holding a cup of tea, his tie hangs loose, his top button undone and he appears to have a blue patch of ink under his shirt pocket. The class are once again rowdy, and throwing balls of paper to each other one of which lands on Jacks desk.
JACK
Ok ok settle down, hey what’s this?
He picks up the piece of paper and unravels it. He reads aloud:
Mr. Allcock literally is All-. Who wrote this?
Like this bit ^^
The class fall silent.
I’ll ask again, who wrote this? Right seeing as none of you want to admit it, your all in detention, until that one person comes forward.
Don’t think he should have this reaction. Again I think he seems aggressive and like he thinks that this kind of behaviour is wrong – I imagined that he is as immature as the pupils. Maybe he could look confused, say ‘who wrote this?...Nob heads’ then shrug it off?
The class let out a drone.
STUDENT 1
Sean!
STUDENT 2
Sean, idiot
JACK
Ah Sean was it? Look I may have a funny sounding name there mate, but maybe next time you could go into detention for being a bit more creative? I mean all cock? I practically handed that one to you there didn’t I? Right Sean see me after class, right “Metaphor’s” anyone tell me what one is?
He turns and miss spells Metaphor on the board, while picking up a dictionary,
Because I honestly cannot tell you!
I do like this bit of the script, I really like that he continues to say ‘Because I honestly cannot tell you’, but I think that we need to be careful not to let the script get to repetitive. Like because we have just seen him check the calculator for a sum, it might begin to get a little predictable when he asks what something means that he is going to look in the dictionary. Maybe we should leave it as it is and look at it in post production.
Its drawing to the end of the day, Jack is seen sipping his brew by his desk, he fondling a parents- evening slip in his hands having noticed them in a pile on his desk.
JACK
Right the bell is about to go, we have a parent ...evening thing on at the end of this week apparently, (jack looks at them curiously)
So if you could take one, give them to your parents and then bring them back so we know whose coming.
ACT 1
Jack is his classroom; he is sat behind his desk. He is finishing up with another pupil’s parents. He gets up and shakes their hands. He looks at the next name on the register and looks up to see Sean Robinson stood outside the door talking to women with her back to the wall. He signals to Sean to come in, Sean signals to his mother and she gets up.
JACK
Right only have more to go and then I’m done.
He checks his notes before he see’s Mrs. Robinson walk through the door, she walks over, he turns and looks up. She is the most beautiful woman he has ever seen, she has wavey blonde hair, blue eyes, she is dressed smartly and smile at him. Her hair is waving about her face seductively; she says something to him and holds out her hand. She carries on talking but he can’t hear a word.
MRS. ROBINSON
It IS Mr.Allcock isn’t it?
JACK
Huh? What? Yer, yes...err- hem I’m sorry, would you like to take a seat?
Jack signals to her to sit down.
JACK
Can I offer you a drink?
MRS. ROBINSON
Oh you know that’ll be great thanks
She smiles at him, Jack starts looking round his desk only to realise he has nothing to offer, he looks up nervously.
JACK
Honestly it looks like I’m all out! I do appologise.
I don’t really get this bit – does he mean an alcoholic drink? If so would he offer a parent this? If not would he offer her a drink out of the blue when he doesn’t have any
MRS. ROBINSON
Ah well (pause) nevermind.
JACK
So your Sean mother, Mrs. Robinson, pleased to meet you.
MRS. ROBINSON
Ah, call me Nicole
JACK
Shall we get started? Here are you son’s marks from previous assignments.
Jack presents them to Nicole, he seems to get lost in Nicole’s face he hair, her lips. She reached for the piece of paper Jack has in his hand, and before he can control himself, he stands up, pulls her face towards his, pushes her body towards the desk and passionately kiss’s her, she whispers his name again and again. This time a little louder.
Love this bit
MRS.ROBINSON
Mr. Allcock, Are you sure you alright?
JACK
Erm, I’m... I’m sorry what?
MRS.ROBINSON
I said are you ok? You seemed to be somewhere else? Can I see Sean’s assignment?
JACK
God, yer ha I’m sorry it’s been a very long day, here, now as you can see his is under achieveing, (pause, he looks like he is thinking) we need to tackle this head on, with your co-operation we can help Sean achieve a high standard of work.
Ok so I think what you have written is great and almost every sentence made me laugh! The only thing I think that we need to be careful of is that it doesn’t get to repetitive. I’m worried that it may be like this:
Open scene
See Jack being thick
Close scene
Repeat X3
I know that we were aiming to show different examples of him being clueless and contradictory, just think we need to be careful of it getting tedious. We’ll probably be able to see for sure in post-production.
Sorry Nicola I feel like a teacher marking your work! It's only an opinion anyway, not necessarily correct - just what I personally think!
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